What I fear the most...

It's been such a long time since I've pinned down my thoughts. And now is the time for it. When I usually ask ppl what do you fear of the most, they'll usually reply me w being scared of insects, ghost or even the most minute things. When in turn I'm asked the same question, I would reply that I'm afraid of snakes and spiders.
Tonight I really thought it through and realised that my previous answers were an instinctual reply. But now I realised that what I fear the most is something intangible, something that I cannot control.

What I fear the most is...
Change.
Change is arbitrary where it is the only constant. Change is unforeseen. Change is unpredictable. And for me change is one of the things that I cannot help but dread. All I want is status quo.
You might be amused by my level of immaturity and naiveness. But just looking over my shoulder looking at my dad pacing and looking at my brother and then standing outside the toilet looking at me.. I can't help but wonder how long ever since I was once so close to my parents as children. I miss being a child. I miss the times I've gone out on the car on family days and even have meals. Looking from the perspective of my dad, I sigh at the thought of how fast I've grown and changed. At the blink of an eye, the culprit of change is back to teleport you into another stage in life. Yes no doubt, I hate change, though it's inevitable and good.
This is to the future me when I'm 30 years old:
Treasure the NOW
Do things without Regret. Persevere and bring glory to God.
XOXO

California kingbed

Tonight, is the night of pain. We are close to the edge of breaking up. And my heart is hurting tremendously. I'm so confused and in a dilemma of sacrificing and getting hurt while waiting or you, or to just end it all. They say Love is everything. It prolly isn't. Thinking about our separation just brings tears to my eyes. I cannot even say the things that I want to say to you before I part through whatsapp:; so here it goes:

Hey babe, thanks for loving me. Thanks for putting up w my whinyness. Thank you for showing me what's life. Thanks for being my bf. thanks for giving in to me. Thanks for protecting me from the pain. Thanks for letting me sleep on your lap. All these I couldn't say it out loud. But I appreciate them all. Honestly I didn't know how long our rs would last when we first started out, all I knew was just that we could last as long as we could. But day by day, I learn to grow to love you more and more, I learn about you and your habits, i learn to mature and be independent. Believe it or not, every single date that we've been out, I have never forgotten them. From the most minute to the biggest I've always remembered them. Those will really be kept right in my heart. From ice cream dates, from forgetting to say grace, from each and every movie, to each meal at ehub.laughing at you when we sang duet Tgt. I can remember them. So babe, I wanna tell you that I never stopped loving you though it was very difficult and hard on me. I continued to love and sacrifice. And now it's the end. Thanks for accepting me as your Gf, I know I wasn't perfect and your type at first, but you still accepted me for ME. And that's one thing I love you so much for. You see the interior and exterior side of me. I love you and your fam so much, but I guess this is the beginning of our ending. so ba,as what we used to sing to as a duet, this will be the last dedication to you:

Chest to chest, nose to nose
Palm to palm, we were always just that close
Wrist to wrist, toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose

So how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us?

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart on me, my California king

Eye to eye, cheek to cheek
Side by side, you were sleeping next to me
Arm in arm, dusk to dawn with the curtains drawn
And a little last night on these sheets

Chest to chest, nose to nose
Palm to palm, we were always just that close
Wrist to wrist, toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose

So how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us?

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart on me, my California king

Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got wetter

So confused wanna ask you if you love me
But I don't wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been California dreaming

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
California wishing on these stars
For your heart on me, my California king

Xoxo, Rccy

Scars

It wasn't the first time that you hurt me by how you held me. Previously you grabbed my arm too tight, And I told you that it hurt before. Today, you pinched me real hard again, and it was swollen and red. Yes I cried. I couldn't help feeling hurt and I couldn't help feeling sad and angry that you physically was hurting me again. It's worse this time, because I'm leaving for 4 days tmr. And I only get to see you for 1.5hrs. I knew it was a very short time left, I wished that I could have just bury that incident quickly. But I couldn't, I just felt that I loved you so much, and questioned whether I was in an abusive relationship. I felt that IF I WAS YOUR MAN was so apt, that in the instance you should have done things that give me joy and love. But today, you didn't. I'm not over it. But I forgive you. Because God forgave me time and time again. I hope you'll control your actions and emotions in the future. Consider about how it would impact me

Marksman or not.

I know that you're aiming so hard just to get a marksman. But I want you to know that whether you get a marksman or not, my love for you will still be the same. And yes you asked me today this morning, whether I will come back to you if you get marksman. Honestly, look around, cause I never left.

True love Vs. Superficial love

Nowadays, I don't feel confident w myself. Constantly,am I finding ways and means to 'upgrade' myself to become a mediocre piece similar to a factory line. This transformation is making me lose my lustre and uniqueness that I used to have. Somehow, feeling short, stumpy, having enormous calves, protruding ribs, small chest and a less than perfect fce and body shape just enhanced my insecurities in these imperfections. This lingering thought resonates the question for the source of these insecurities. I cannot help but wonder: have you as my loved one given me enough love, care and attention that I always yearn for! For now, I cannot comprehend whether your love for me is superficial or could it return to the past, where I felt comfortable being myself and that I felt loved and protected enough to love me for me. Had I been given that extra love and affection, I wonder what I would have become? For the better or for the worse? Or even back to where I am now...

Makeup face facadé

I browsed upon some pretty girls on Facebook, envying their slim and smooth egged shape looking face, accompanied sweetly with a skinny and eye seeking figure. Oh how I want to be like one of them. Feelings emerged;feelings of mimicking their thinly brushed eyeliner and thick slab of makeup. Feelings of going on a diet and becoming obsessed with the bones and skeletons to be a part of my skin. And this war was battling back and forth. Will makeup make me prettier on the inside? Will becoming skinny make me happy forever.
And the answer is NO.
I remembered about the mission trip that i embarked on last dec. I clearly remembered the youth section about having an identity in Christ. We featured a short film about Eli and his creation. What stood out the most was the fact that when Punchinello( a boy who keeps getting ugly spots that are stuck on him because he is less perfect, shorter, not as bright as the others) came to Eli ,his creator -and asked him why he was created this way, and why did a girl whom was as imperfect as he was did not have any labels on her. It Was only then that he realised that His identity is and has always been in Christ. Slowly by slowly, he became as clean as ever because any labels nor negative spots could ever get to him again. This story truly reminds me that I don't have to put on makeup, don't Have to be like others. all I NEED to do, is be myself and always be rooted in God's image. :)
You don't have to be pretty or perfect for God to love you. Because you are beautifully and carefully made by God, your creator:)

A contract

If only I knew that love is a contract...
This invisible line that requests for one's signature to be imprinted, after having tasted the sweetness of the trial period. Many would have just signed it without hesitation, without even seeing the terms and conditions of this so called contract.
Had I known that Love required so many conditions attached, would I still have chosen to love?

It's been difficult for this couple of days, where I felt isolated, lonely and upset at the thought of you only being able to whatsapp for 10-20 mins a day. I sigh at my hopelessness. I didn't know that when I entered into this relationship, this was one of the biggest conditions involved;that robbed me of my time, energy and even my lifestyle. Was this one of the terms that was stated in the contract? I now ponder upon whether I would have still knowingly stamped that contract.
Would I?
No doubt this has helped me grow a lot, and learnt to be independent. But when I first got into this relationship, nobody warned me of such a sacrifice and the foreboding of what lies ahead- Which is this.

In response to that answer, I spent one and a half days brooding on that and I was reminded that God loved me with or without a contract. No matter what I was, what I did, and how much I've let Him down, He still loved me. To God, there was no such thing as a love contact. To God, the love is, was and will forever be unconditional. And that is something I want to emulate and integrate into my life. Thanks for that revelation, God❤