What I fear the most...

It's been such a long time since I've pinned down my thoughts. And now is the time for it. When I usually ask ppl what do you fear of the most, they'll usually reply me w being scared of insects, ghost or even the most minute things. When in turn I'm asked the same question, I would reply that I'm afraid of snakes and spiders.
Tonight I really thought it through and realised that my previous answers were an instinctual reply. But now I realised that what I fear the most is something intangible, something that I cannot control.

What I fear the most is...
Change.
Change is arbitrary where it is the only constant. Change is unforeseen. Change is unpredictable. And for me change is one of the things that I cannot help but dread. All I want is status quo.
You might be amused by my level of immaturity and naiveness. But just looking over my shoulder looking at my dad pacing and looking at my brother and then standing outside the toilet looking at me.. I can't help but wonder how long ever since I was once so close to my parents as children. I miss being a child. I miss the times I've gone out on the car on family days and even have meals. Looking from the perspective of my dad, I sigh at the thought of how fast I've grown and changed. At the blink of an eye, the culprit of change is back to teleport you into another stage in life. Yes no doubt, I hate change, though it's inevitable and good.
This is to the future me when I'm 30 years old:
Treasure the NOW
Do things without Regret. Persevere and bring glory to God.
XOXO

California kingbed

Tonight, is the night of pain. We are close to the edge of breaking up. And my heart is hurting tremendously. I'm so confused and in a dilemma of sacrificing and getting hurt while waiting or you, or to just end it all. They say Love is everything. It prolly isn't. Thinking about our separation just brings tears to my eyes. I cannot even say the things that I want to say to you before I part through whatsapp:; so here it goes:

Hey babe, thanks for loving me. Thanks for putting up w my whinyness. Thank you for showing me what's life. Thanks for being my bf. thanks for giving in to me. Thanks for protecting me from the pain. Thanks for letting me sleep on your lap. All these I couldn't say it out loud. But I appreciate them all. Honestly I didn't know how long our rs would last when we first started out, all I knew was just that we could last as long as we could. But day by day, I learn to grow to love you more and more, I learn about you and your habits, i learn to mature and be independent. Believe it or not, every single date that we've been out, I have never forgotten them. From the most minute to the biggest I've always remembered them. Those will really be kept right in my heart. From ice cream dates, from forgetting to say grace, from each and every movie, to each meal at ehub.laughing at you when we sang duet Tgt. I can remember them. So babe, I wanna tell you that I never stopped loving you though it was very difficult and hard on me. I continued to love and sacrifice. And now it's the end. Thanks for accepting me as your Gf, I know I wasn't perfect and your type at first, but you still accepted me for ME. And that's one thing I love you so much for. You see the interior and exterior side of me. I love you and your fam so much, but I guess this is the beginning of our ending. so ba,as what we used to sing to as a duet, this will be the last dedication to you:

Chest to chest, nose to nose
Palm to palm, we were always just that close
Wrist to wrist, toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose

So how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us?

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart on me, my California king

Eye to eye, cheek to cheek
Side by side, you were sleeping next to me
Arm in arm, dusk to dawn with the curtains drawn
And a little last night on these sheets

Chest to chest, nose to nose
Palm to palm, we were always just that close
Wrist to wrist, toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose

So how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us?

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart on me, my California king

Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got wetter

So confused wanna ask you if you love me
But I don't wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been California dreaming

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
California wishing on these stars
For your heart on me, my California king

Xoxo, Rccy

Scars

It wasn't the first time that you hurt me by how you held me. Previously you grabbed my arm too tight, And I told you that it hurt before. Today, you pinched me real hard again, and it was swollen and red. Yes I cried. I couldn't help feeling hurt and I couldn't help feeling sad and angry that you physically was hurting me again. It's worse this time, because I'm leaving for 4 days tmr. And I only get to see you for 1.5hrs. I knew it was a very short time left, I wished that I could have just bury that incident quickly. But I couldn't, I just felt that I loved you so much, and questioned whether I was in an abusive relationship. I felt that IF I WAS YOUR MAN was so apt, that in the instance you should have done things that give me joy and love. But today, you didn't. I'm not over it. But I forgive you. Because God forgave me time and time again. I hope you'll control your actions and emotions in the future. Consider about how it would impact me

Marksman or not.

I know that you're aiming so hard just to get a marksman. But I want you to know that whether you get a marksman or not, my love for you will still be the same. And yes you asked me today this morning, whether I will come back to you if you get marksman. Honestly, look around, cause I never left.

True love Vs. Superficial love

Nowadays, I don't feel confident w myself. Constantly,am I finding ways and means to 'upgrade' myself to become a mediocre piece similar to a factory line. This transformation is making me lose my lustre and uniqueness that I used to have. Somehow, feeling short, stumpy, having enormous calves, protruding ribs, small chest and a less than perfect fce and body shape just enhanced my insecurities in these imperfections. This lingering thought resonates the question for the source of these insecurities. I cannot help but wonder: have you as my loved one given me enough love, care and attention that I always yearn for! For now, I cannot comprehend whether your love for me is superficial or could it return to the past, where I felt comfortable being myself and that I felt loved and protected enough to love me for me. Had I been given that extra love and affection, I wonder what I would have become? For the better or for the worse? Or even back to where I am now...

Makeup face facadé

I browsed upon some pretty girls on Facebook, envying their slim and smooth egged shape looking face, accompanied sweetly with a skinny and eye seeking figure. Oh how I want to be like one of them. Feelings emerged;feelings of mimicking their thinly brushed eyeliner and thick slab of makeup. Feelings of going on a diet and becoming obsessed with the bones and skeletons to be a part of my skin. And this war was battling back and forth. Will makeup make me prettier on the inside? Will becoming skinny make me happy forever.
And the answer is NO.
I remembered about the mission trip that i embarked on last dec. I clearly remembered the youth section about having an identity in Christ. We featured a short film about Eli and his creation. What stood out the most was the fact that when Punchinello( a boy who keeps getting ugly spots that are stuck on him because he is less perfect, shorter, not as bright as the others) came to Eli ,his creator -and asked him why he was created this way, and why did a girl whom was as imperfect as he was did not have any labels on her. It Was only then that he realised that His identity is and has always been in Christ. Slowly by slowly, he became as clean as ever because any labels nor negative spots could ever get to him again. This story truly reminds me that I don't have to put on makeup, don't Have to be like others. all I NEED to do, is be myself and always be rooted in God's image. :)
You don't have to be pretty or perfect for God to love you. Because you are beautifully and carefully made by God, your creator:)

A contract

If only I knew that love is a contract...
This invisible line that requests for one's signature to be imprinted, after having tasted the sweetness of the trial period. Many would have just signed it without hesitation, without even seeing the terms and conditions of this so called contract.
Had I known that Love required so many conditions attached, would I still have chosen to love?

It's been difficult for this couple of days, where I felt isolated, lonely and upset at the thought of you only being able to whatsapp for 10-20 mins a day. I sigh at my hopelessness. I didn't know that when I entered into this relationship, this was one of the biggest conditions involved;that robbed me of my time, energy and even my lifestyle. Was this one of the terms that was stated in the contract? I now ponder upon whether I would have still knowingly stamped that contract.
Would I?
No doubt this has helped me grow a lot, and learnt to be independent. But when I first got into this relationship, nobody warned me of such a sacrifice and the foreboding of what lies ahead- Which is this.

In response to that answer, I spent one and a half days brooding on that and I was reminded that God loved me with or without a contract. No matter what I was, what I did, and how much I've let Him down, He still loved me. To God, there was no such thing as a love contact. To God, the love is, was and will forever be unconditional. And that is something I want to emulate and integrate into my life. Thanks for that revelation, God❤

Wavering

It's the 3rd day today since you were gone. It's hard to just receive whatsapps worth of 10 mins per day. But I'm getting used to it. I've just been plopping at home and watching tv. But everything reminds me of the times I had w you; walking/running to 73 bs, taking 73,going to pow sing, taking the Mrt, getting kiap. I miss those times! I wonder whether theres other stuff we haven't done or gone to yet. Ttyl. Bsf time:)

The fear of losing

As I mentioned yesterday, ba and I met up yest to go shopping and eating!:)It was loads of fun.:) We headed to Ion to find stuff to eat! We were contemplating on either four fingers chicken or the authentic shilin chicken! Haha and so He decided on the authentic shilin chick which was actually surprisingly good.:) hehe:) After that we walked over to 313 to go shopping! The walk was horrendously long and hot despite the mild drizzle. This is proof of the heat and humidity here in Singapore. but anyway we took a stroll down to 313. We went to have Marché first for our rest of our lunch, where ba and I shared the tomato basil grattin and Rosti! Yumm!:) hehe then we headed to forever 21, cause I wanted to buy the denim shirt that I wanted 2 weeks back. Sadly it was gone!:( I was quite sad when I left,but still baba was so sweet to bring me to orchard central to get OPI nail polishes. He bought me two colours: Nude(China Glaze) and Turquoise(Opi) :) hee and then when I had to buy something for my mum for mother's day! So I got her an OPI pink glitter polish! Whoots!:) hehehe I can steal from her too!:) Following that, we went to Prologue bookshop to look 'see'. There were so many pretty stationaries and then we headed to the children's book section, where Ryan kept singing the childhood songs from the books and he tried to destroy the mr rainbow fish puppet from the pop out book. Hehe:) I really enjoyed those times. We browsed through Smurf and children assessment books, which we wanted to buy and keep it for the future. sadly, baba had his commitments at Home and had to go home to accompany mummy, and our date was cut short. Oh well. We had a really fun date still and it brought back many fun and beautiful mems when we were first Tgt. Simple dates but extremely lovely.

I met Ba to buy lunch today even though I didn't actually get lunch in the end cause I was full from Breakfast. We met opposite and sat down at the void deck beside to talk. I was feeling quite sad, holding back my tears and sadness because I knew that It was the last time I would see him before He flies off tonight. So as much as I could, I placed those thoughts aside and spend time w him. however, when it was time to leave, I burst out in tears and the first thing that rushed through my head was the fear of losing him. Losing the companionship of him, losing the familiarity and closeness w him, losing the ability to communicate w him over the phone because He would be away in Germany. But he started to calm me down and prayed for me, which worked. The time was then, we Hugged and we kissed, that was the last time that we gazed into each other's eyes before we shall meet again 22 days from today.I will truly miss you
, miss having someone to share my most innermost feelings and thoughts. I'll miss you.

Memoirs of the night

The night is early, yet filled with sorrows

I had an enjoyable time with baba today where I have finally finished my exams and ba has a day off before he flies off. I honestly miss the times and memory we spent together. I realized that though our time we spent was really short but it was the honeymoon period once again. :) I'll catch up on it more tomorrow.
You're leaving for Germany tomorrow evening...